Today was a hard one. Going back to temple has been tough for me. On many levels. Mostly though, it's that room, the sanctuary. The same room that the funeral was in. It feels like the space where his coffin sat has burned a hole in my mind. Whenever I look up in that room, all I see is the empty space where his coffin was. It's hard to be there.
But all that aside, because that's what you have to do. You have to let yourself feel things, think about them, and then when it gets too much, put it aside for later. So all that aside, I got really sad today for the kids. The hardest part for me has been thinking of all the things that he won't be here for. And so many of those things revolve around the kids. First day of kindergarten, sweet 16, boyfriends, girlfriends, graduations... But today I was feeling sad for now, not the future.
These kids are affected. And none of us really know how. What's going on in their tiny minds? All of them are acting out. Nothing major, but nonetheless... Avi has been like a clam. Saying nothing really, but I can tell she is sad and definitely confused. Getting upset easier than usual. Complaining much more. Reluctant to do anything outside of the family. Bar has been saying: "Jonny. He fall down. He fall down stairs." I'm not sure how she pieced that all together, but at her crazy young age, she seems to have the information. I have no clue how it's effecting her...
We have counselors and appropriate people to talk to. All that will start this week. It's been too early up until now. But today was hard. And sad. And I just wish he were here. He would know how to turn a sad day into a good one.