I woke up this morning and decided not to write.
Last night I got some negative feedback about my blog. I didn't take it well. I was hurt and defensive and in no place to be critiqued.
After so much amazingly loving emails and comments and messages from literally hundreds of you, I was a bit shocked to hear that someone was not happy with what I was writing, where I was posting it, how I was expressing myself.
Going through tragedy like this is like absolutely nothing else. It is heartbreaking and heart wrenching and impossible. It strips you to your core. It leaves you raw. It tests who you are at your center.
Two days ago, I went to a SoulCycle class and saw my friend Melanie (mentor, instructor, heart, strength). It was the first time I saw her since all this had happened. And though we had spoken, seeing her brought up a lot for me. She has a way of holding my strength and in seeing her I crumbled. Her words always hold so much truth and depth for me. She seems to always know what to say...not necessarily to make me feel better, but to let me know that she understands. Before and after this, the most important thing she has taught me is that I define who I am. If I need to be stronger, I get stronger. That's it. Life challenges us, but it is in our hands to decide how to fight back. As each wound heals, we emerge different. Stronger for sure, but also better, more compassionate, more capable.
When I walked into the house today, I looked at my father-in-law and immediately knew he was on a mission. He has a way about him when he's set an intention. I smiled immediately, not knowing what it was about, but he knew I knew and I was right, he was up to something.
He went on a bit casually about how many people have told him about reading my blog, how helpful it's been, how they've been following what's going on with the family through it, how they feel closer to us because of it (that, by the way, is entirely my intention...to bring you all closer;)). He reeled off a few names and I nodded and grimaced knowing what he was getting at.
Long story short he asked me to continue writing. I told him I didn't really want to. It had been ruined for me. (I can be a bit of a baby like that. Richie tells me I'm overly sensitive. He's right.) He told me: "We all run into road blocks. Do you know where I'd be if I listened to everyone who told me how to live my life?! I heard you planned on writing for 30 days. (Shloshim is thirty in Hebrew and the word we use for the 30 days of mourning). Please stay with your goal. Keep writing."
I told him I'd think about it. Then I hugged him tight.
So here I am. Writing. For him. For you. For me.
Thickening my skin. Sticking with my goals. Healing one blog post at a time.