I woke up yesterday morning to my period. I can't help but feel a melange of frustration, anger, disappointment, and sadness. And while I know it has not been so long since my miscarriage and it takes many women many tries before conceiving, I feel very stuck in this cycle of "trying".
I continuously try to push rational thoughts into my head to balance the negativity, but I can't help but feel the sadness seeping in every once in a while.
I'm trapped between what my dad would say was a rock and a hard place (my dad has his "isms" and they've seriously penetrated my mind's eye...often I find myself thinking exactly what I know he would say word for word...I guess that's the beauty of parenting and being parented, no?!?).
I understand that the process may take a while. And I know that this all happens to so many other women (unfortunately something that brings me some solace). And I know that I am blessed to have all that I do.
I have these moments with Avi that often bring me calm and peace when I'm rocking her to sleep or she's playing with the hairs in the back of my head that fall from my ponytail with her teensy little fingers that viscerally pull my out of my constant reminder of the process and lack of success and reminds me that life as it stands is pretty amazing.
It's really difficult to actively be positive. It's really really difficult to not be disappointed about what I can't control. And it's even more difficult to be hopeful sometimes. But regardless of all that, I am grateful for what I have and all those moments of when I realize how happy I really am.
Thank you all for listening and participating and being so supportive.