Numbness

It was weird.  Some time yesterday afternoon Richie and I both hit a block.  An emotional block.  We went, well, kind of numb.  So many hundreds of people are here all day everyday.  It's amazing and heartwarming and overwhelming.  And also, there is a fear for when they leave.  Quiet is bad.  But we can only cry for so many people.  So many times in a row.  It feels strange to see someone and answer "ok" when they ask how we are doing.  Because we are not.  But dredging it up with each new person is like turning the knife.  So we say ok.  Offer them something to drink.  And move on to the next.  Or find someplace to hide.

The afternoon felt really numb.  Like void of emotion somehow.  Friends came and I found myself laughing for a moment here and there.  Things lighten.  And then I remember.  I feel guilty about forgetting.  Even for a second.

There are pictures of Jonny all over the house.  Most I can look at and smile.  Some make the pit in my stomach wretch.  Certain things people say are ok.  Then a small detail will bring a tiny heave in my belly and nausea will creep up my face.

But then I turn a corner and see a group of his friends, sitting on his bedroom floor, going through his stuff.  And I sit with them and it's comfortable.  They are such good kids just like Jonny.  In some of them I feel like I've adopted new baby brothers.  And somehow his spirit seems alive in them.

Sometimes it feels like he's just gone and will be back in a week.  On vacation or at college or at his Semester at Sea.  But I know he's not.  Maybe that's how my subconscious is coping.

So I step into this next day.  Wanting to feel more.  I am not ready to be farther away from this.  I miss him so much already.  I do not know what the future will bring.