Though I'm not much of a religious person, I do spend time on these Jewish holidays reflecting each year, thinking about the next, deciding what I want to change, who I want to be. I love that each year I can reinvent myself.
This year, of course, feels wildly different. I am sad to look to the past and afraid to look to the future.
At this moment in time, it feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath us. Aside from Jonny, we have been homeless for the last 5 months (living with my in laws), I spent the summer training for SoulCycle and away from my kids for the first time, we moved from our home in Brooklyn to Richie's hometown Scarsdale... To say the least, we have little grounding if any.
Whereas just a few weeks ago I was sure of what I wanted, how I felt, where my next steps were taking me, I feel utterly confused now. Things I was sure of, I am not not. Things I was excited about, I find difficulty getting the motivation for.
Old things questioned. New things on the horizon.
We are moving this weekend into our new home. Thinking about a puppy. Both girls are starting school. I will finish my training, start teaching...
A new chapter is probably exactly what we need. We cannot go on so ungrounded, on wobbly feet. But it's scary to think that we will have to live this next chapter without our baby brother. Our family, our life, is inherently different without him.
A new normal. A new life. A new path. A new journey.