Missing Him


Us At least six times today I was asked: Sooooo...are you going to write today?

I wasn't sure.  But here I am, after a very long day.  Beyond exhausted.  With a long list of other things I should be doing.  Writing.

Yesterday we moved.  We moved out of my in-law's house.  We had been there all summer (and some time before that...) while we were in between homes.  And we decided to stay a little bit longer after Jonny.  They needed us.  Maybe we needed them too.  So we stayed.

But yesterday we moved.  Time to get a home.  Ground ourselves.  Start our new life.  Our new life in the burbs.  It was supposed to be fresh, exciting.  But I can't think new life without thinking new life without Jonny in it.  It's like some alternate universe.  That's what my brother-in-law keeps saying.  And it really feels like that.  It's beyond strange.

So today we made breakfast.  Dressed.  Hit up the Container Store.  Shopped Whole Foods.  Unpacked groceries, boxes, suitcases.  Organized closets.  Had friends and family in and out all day.  Hosted thai take-out dinner for my family.  Hung with some of Jonny's friends (who we've now adopted as our own).  Kids bathtime and bedtime.  Finally fit in a shower.  And now am writing.

It was a long, full day.  And I am exhausted.  And I am sad.  It's when I settle down and have the chance to think that I get sad.  Even though I laughed a bit today.  Even though I was distracted for much of it.  I miss him.  But mostly, I'm sad for what he'll miss.

Life is getting more normal.  Slowly.  But it's feeling sadder and sadder.  Like now that the hub-bub is over, reality is setting in.  And sometimes it feels like he's just away on a trip or at school.  But he's not.  And when I remember, it stabs.

He will never see this new house.  He won't see Avital as a kindergartener.  He missed Rosh Hashana.

I know he will always be with me.  In my heart.  But he won't step foot in my new home...