I've been talking a bit here about what I believe is that subconscious denial that I have going on. I can't understand how okay I am sometimes. It feels weird to do normal things, take care of my kids, food shop. But the thing is, I'm doing it. And I'm okay. I'm not constantly crying, breaking down in public, anxious...
Really though, I'm not okay. I'm not okay at all. I miss him so much. There is a void in our family. A hole in my heart.
The more I talk to my brothers and sisters about what I'm feeling and what's going on within me, I find they are in the exact same place. I get texts from more distant family and friends all day long saying that the things I write here in my blog posts are describing exactly the emotions they are going through.
How can this be? Why is it that we are all experiencing the same things? And not just sadness and grief, but weirdness and uncomfortableness and guilt and denial...
My belief is that the pain is so great, the situation is so unbearable, so unbelievable, that my subconscious has flicked the off switch. I'm in survival mode. It's all too real, too raw, too fresh, too sad to deal with. So I am simply not. And not by choice, but by default. Like my mind and body have decided without my consent to move forward, get through each day, make my kids smile. It's such a strange phenomenon to have yourself doing things you would not have chose on your own to do. It's like the decision has been made for me to start getting back to life, start living again, even if I didn't have the will to make that decision on my own.
When I force myself to really think about my next steps I find myself wildly confused. What do I want? Which path do I want to follow? Where do I want my future to lead me?
Weeks ago those answers were solid. I was done with the baby making stage of my life, getting back to my fun, my youth, my personal goals. And Jonny was a huge part of that. He upped my cool factor, helped me learn about music for my SoulCycle training, made me have fun.
Now, I'm just not sure what I do next. I want to spend more time with my children. I want to cook dinner for my family more. I want to go dancing. I want to inspire people in my classes. I want to change their days. I want to make each moment matter. Even the crazy ones where everyone is screaming and kids are overtired. It's those moments that can go either way that I want to make into lemonade.