Yesterday Bar almost drowned. She is fearless and not yet 2. Swimming with her cousins, a handful of us was watching her. And somehow, her swimmie slipped off. She was grasping and kind of swimming, but flailing when I caught her in the corner of my eye.
I was sitting on the other side of the pool with my sister-in-law, Andrea, talking about how weird this all was. How it's surreal that Jonny is gone. That we're in a bit of denial. That it feels like he's just away. With tears already brewing, I noticed Bar sinking and my heart skipped a beat. I screamed and sprinted the length of the pool next to Andrea. Michael (brother-in-law) got there first and jumped in the pool to save her. Sneakers, clothes, he jumped straight in and scooped her. I was in complete shock. The tears started flowing as Andrea checked her out and handed her to me.
I wrapped her in a towel and brought her to a chair to sit and calm her. Honestly, I needed to calm myself. I was more scared than I had ever been in relation to my children (to be honest I'm generally a super calm mother). It hit me somewhere deep. Somewhere in my core. Somewhere I hadn't yet felt. Like someone punched the pit in my stomach that was already there from Jonny. Like that pit wasn't already deep enough. Empty enough. Like it wasn't already big enough.
I spent a lot of time yesterday with Andrea. It had been a while since we'd had real sister time. We have six kids between us and it's rare we get more than a few moments to talk about anything more significant than how many sippy cups we have at the family house or which dance class to sign the girls up for.
It was really nice to really talk. Her and I have been around the longest and knew Jonny since he was young (her even longer than me, he was a little boy when she met him, just bar mitzvahed when I did). We miss him so much.
I felt sad talking about Jonny with her, but it was comfortable too. There are so many memories. We both big sistered him so much. But I couldn't help but also feel a little lucky to have a big sister to talk to. And a reminder to stay closer to her. He was the only baby brother we knew. And she is the only older sister I have. I am blessed.
Bar drowning, brothers and sisters saving her, Jonny gone, WE HAVE TO BE GRATEFUL for what we have in each other.