Though all week and last I was pretty zen about everything going on with me and my pregnancy, anxiety hit me in the stomach Wednesday afternoon before my appointment with Risa.
She took 8 vials of blood and told me she should know more yesterday around 1p. In my craze to keep busy and not think too much, I decided to run around the city with my Aunt Bonnie doing various things. In the midst of it all, around 12:30p, I realized that my phone was missing. I immediately freaked out knowing Risa was going to call any minute. Long story short: someone eventually answered my phone shadily indicating to us that it had been stolen and was never going to be returned AND after calling Risa from Aunt Bonnie's phone I found out that though I didn't have the usual symptoms of a miscarriage, it seems as if that is what happened in Cuba.
I hadn't done much crying until I sat down to write this post and even now, the waterwork aren't in serious action. It's a really weird thing seeing as I had to wait so long to find out what happened. I went through a period immediately after when I was positive that I miscarried, then a period where I was feeling pregnant again (maybe a coping mechanism to deal with the wait), and now he I am, somewhere between shocked and devistated.
Apparently 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, so it's far from uncommon, but I think we all have a way of seeing ourselves as immune to "bad things" until something bad happens that penetrates that bubble.
I'm not sure how this is going to effect me. It's honestly too early to tell, but I hope that I can come to a place where I don't feel any resentment or anger in my heart (honestly it's difficult right not to push those thoughts out of my head).
I'm going to spend the weekend coping and feeling as much as I can. I have a tendency to ignore things and pretend everything is ok, but I assume that will just elongate the healing process.
I am going to do my best to:
1. Remember how wonderful my life is
2. Do my best to be happy and loving
3. Hug and squeeze Avi as much as I can
4. Sleep on Richie's side of the bed with him
5. And make plans for the future