Denial, Somehow, Brings Life to Us


Kessners For the first time in a week, I've started seeing some life in my family.  We look less like zombies navigating a sea of guests in our home and more like ourselves again.  I've seen a few of those smiles that my father-in-law asked from us, more eating, more movement, more life.

It's a double edged sword.  I am not ready to be back to normal.  And any inkling of normalcy brings guilt and sadness.  But not before I experience that moment of feeling normal...  And I think that is good.  I think it's normal.  I think we are at the right stage of the grieving process.

A little bit, it feels like maybe this isn't really happening, I'm floating above it, and see it, but cannot believe it.  That subconscious denial is what's allowing me to function.  And someday, I'll have to really deal with this, but today, I'm going to just get through.  And the more getting through I do, the closer to normal life I'll get.  A new normal.

My kids went to spend a few days with my aunt yesterday.  We needed a break.  More sleep.  Time to process.  They needed a break from this energy.  So Richie and I lied in bed for a bit this morning.  It felt like it was the first time we got to talk and think in the quiet.

We have learned so much about ourselves.  About our amazing friends.  About how much more love we have to give and who we want to share that with.  It gives us perspective and motivation.  It makes us love some so much more than we planned or knew we would and let go of the nonsense and white noise that was taking up extra space in our lives.

My today is about bringing more life into my life.  Jonny was so good at that.  He lived his 23 years so much fuller than I lived my first 23.  I have to believe it was specifically for something.  And I am choosing to know that it was a lesson for me to live my life better.  If I'm going to do one thing right, in Jonny's honor, I am going to do what I want to do, live more viscerally, make sense of every moment, and share that bigness with whoever will allow me to.