Last night we didn't sleep well. It's always the case that when one of us doesn't, the four of us are unsound. Avital came in the bed at 2:15, Bar at 6. Richie slept, but with bad dreams and I tossed and turned with terrible ones too.
Yesterday was filled with long talks. Many of them. Filled with unanswerable questions. All left unfinished. It's hard to decide what you really believe. Or harder even to see your family struggle with those ideas. Seeking comfort in belief systems that once held no weight in your life. What does that mean? What can that do for you? What is the truth?
Some of the family is leaning toward religion for answers. Some to other spiritual modalities. Some to exercise. Some to cooking, cleaning, cathartic daily chores...
I'm figuring out my own beliefs. Maybe one day I'll share them with you all. Meanwhile I need some time to sort them out. Here's what I have decided though, life and death are all about the soul. A strong, deep, loving soul will withstand the test of time. It is always with us and it's loved ones. Of that I am sure. That energy does not just disappear...
In Jonny's 23 short years, he had an emotional intelligence that I hope to one day understand and emulate. He had a keen knack for not only making people happy, but not getting upset by situations. He was literally never angry in front of me. Ever. His energy brightened a room like nothing I've ever seen. It was infectious. It was true.
And I believe, if we can open our eyes and spirits wide enough, if we can get past this sadness, we will feel it again.
My mother-in-law always called him Jonny Angel. How strange, right? But so appropriate. Both in his life with us and whatever comes next, his spirit will lighten us, he is our angel.