All day I planned on writing a blog post. As I promised so many of you I would. Tomorrow will be a week from Jonny's 1 month memorial service.
Last Sunday was a hard day for all of us. A reality hit. Time to make an effort to get back to real life. Without Jonny...
I spent the week doing standard issue, day to day things. Bussing the kids to their schools and other programs, SoulCycling, Ikea for the house, I stencil painted our powder room, visited with my college roommate in from out of town and with another close friend in from out of the country, cooked a few dinners with my favorite fall flavors (kabocha squash, cinnamon, apples, adzuki beans, chestnuts), did some training with my new pup, I spent a lot of time with my kids, I spent some time with my mom, school shopped for the girls, I even went to a concert with Richie and a bunch of Jonny's friends... I was busy. And sad. But it was in the background.
This morning we woke up and everyone was sick (except for me). Runny noses, sneezing... Our plans for the day were all nixed. My in-laws came and spent the day. And they were having a tough one. Everyday is different. Some days you just can't kick the bad feelings. Today they couldn't.
Now, after a long day, I sit here, awkwardly typing, over a sick baby lying on my chest. I find myself contorting my body every time she stirs to get her comfortable. That's what you do for your children I guess. You sacrifice your comfort for theirs. Because that brings you happiness. To see their comfort. Even at your own expense. It's something I learned early in the baby game. I'd find myself sleeping mangled to nurse my baby through the night only to wake up with a cricked neck, but a happy baby. I found myself most hours of the day in the rocking chair, nursing, rocking, staying still so they could sleep. I remember in those early days always having to pee, but never wanting to disrupt them while they were sleeping on me! It felt like my forever dilemma.
And here I am now. Tears brimming for the loss of my baby brother-in-law, stuck in this spot in my bed under my sick and snoring baby, and all I know is that my pain is deep, but I cannot imagine what my mother and father-in-law are going through.
So, from this anchored spot, I'm sending them as much love and support as I can and praying that they can find a way to get to a place where they can experience the pure love between them and the rest of their children and grandchildren and allow that to heal them.