Today was a normal day. Sorta.
I got up earlier than I'd have liked (thanks to the baby screaming "come on mama" from her crib). Packed Avi's backpack, my bag for the day, made some breakfast, got everyone dressed, dropped Avi at school, came back to unpack boxes while Bar made a mess of my stuff, did two SoulCycle classes, shopped for some school clothes for the kids, attended the elementary school picnic with the kids and Richie, sushi (veggie of course), Kaddish at my in-laws, kids melt down before bed, now blogging. It was busy and distracting and eerily "normal".
In the midst of all that, I found time to meet a friend for tea and some soup. She is one of the loveliest people I know and through all this I have had the opportunity to become closer to her. She is Jonny's ex-girlfriend's mom. Both Becca and her mom are not only some of the nicest people, but also very comfortable to be around. Becca I know for a long time of course and have considered her a little sister for years. She is a bit of a little me in many ways and I love spending time with her and getting the opportunity to give her advice and big sister her a bit. Since all this happened, I've had the chance to get to know her family a bit more. Her mother and I have connected and I have found much warmth, nurturing, and understanding in her energy.
My mother-in-law joined us. It was her first time out of the house for anything social. It was hard for her, but a big step in the right direction. I was proud of her courage today. We talked about many things, but one subject stuck. How it feels so much like the world just goes on, but ours has stopped. It's strangely shocking that everything is the same, but for us so different. The town looks the same, there are people all around, my sister-in-law still got a parking ticket while we sat with our teas...
Everything is the same, but it is entirely different. It is impossible to do anything without relating it to Jonny or his accident. Every song lyrics, buffalo fried chicken sandwiches at the deli, everything every thing reminds me of him. I was in the supermarket the other day and Rachel, my sister-in-law, asked me which salsa was the best. Without hesitation I said, "Green Mountain Gringo", it was Jonny's favorite. I bent down to pick one and tears came to my eyes. Richie and I were watching The White Queen the other night and I noticed Elizabeth had two boys. I thought, what if something happened to one. She would only have one left. Thank goodness my in-laws had five. Everything reminds me of him.
Normal is not normal anymore. Even when it feels like a normal day, it is just not. I can function. I can smile. I can even enjoy certain things. But the whole in my heart is still there. Deep. Gaping. Obvious.
The thing about normal is...that Jonny was not a normal guy, so maybe it's appropriate that the world is not normal without him...